All's well in this Hive...

Happiness. For me, it's always been a really elusive thing. Every time something good happened in my life, I'd always wait for the other shoe to drop. And it seemed like Fate was ready and willing to take off that size 8 shoe and drop it into my life. When I was pregnant the very first time, I willed myself not to get as giddy as I wanted to be....and then I miscarried. Even as I had the life I'd always dreamed of-a wonderful husband, two healthy, happy babies, a house of my own....I'd already decided it couldn't last, wouldn't last...so why be happy? I tried to fill the hole inside with food, with keeping busy, joining groups, and buying THAT book, EVERY book that promised an answer. I thought....it's out there...that "perfect" life that will make be happy if I just buy this, wear this, say this, do this....

But that's why depression, especially PPD, is so hard to see in yourself. You, and others in your life, start to make depression a personality trait. It starts to define WHO and WHAT you are; it takes all your energy and creativity and turns it into a very dark and lonely place....And I feel extremely fortunate that I climbed my way out of that dark and lonely place....

So...all is well in my hive. You can see that I've changed the title of this blog....it's a long story as to why my babies are called baby bees, but they are, and so I am the Queen Bee in this hive, being the only female in the house. And I love my hive....

On this Gratitude Friday (an idea I "borrowed" from many lovely other Queen Bees out there)... here's what I'm grateful for:


1. Contentment - The peace that comes with knowing that you are where you belong and where you want to be. At the end of the day knowing that I don't wish for more than this....

2. Strength - The emotional, physical, and intellectual knowledge that I have stared my demons and my past in the face and said you will not be what defines me. I am my own person; I am not the shadows of the past - all the women who came before me who could not face up to this inheritance of depression. I WILL not make it my legacy.

3. Creativity - The joy in knowing that what I make with my hands, my spirit, my heart, and my soul will express the whole of who I am. That expressing myself will benefit those I love and show them how much I care...

4. Flaws - Yes, I am grateful for my flaws. I am grateful I no longer try to please anyone other than myself, that I can laugh at myself, that I am human....and that perfection is not what I search for anymore. Flaws are what give us character; they are what make life interesting.

5. A place to sit and watch the world go by.....
My little "nook" in our bedroom.....it looks out onto the neighborhood, and as I sit here, I can watch the sun set. It's in the stillness of that moment, right before the last rays of light are gone, that I know the darkness to come is only for the outside world.....
And as I watch my angels sleep tonight, I know that I am blessed....

A thoughtful post for you all (gosh, I'm awfully reflective this evening!).....tomorrow should bring pictures of something I've been working on....