Just a Peace of Me...

I always try and wait to post until I have pictures up and ready. But then I realized that this blog is really for me as much (or more maybe) as it is for you. I don't even know how many people read this, but that isn't the point. It's about weeding through the fog in my brain, finding what makes me tick, and saying "here I am, finally...so love me or leave me".

I grew up afraid. Physically afraid, for more reasons than I'll ever go into here, but more emotionally and spiritually afraid. If our parents model what we, as children, deem as appropriate behavior, then it's no wonder that I was afraid. I think my father's real emotions would scare him; actually, I think anyone's real emotions scare him. My father can deal with facts, with logic. Emotions may be facts (after all, when you are happy, that is a FACT), but so many times they are so NOT logical. My mother certainly has emotions and expresses them, but only if it's socially acceptable. I used to take care of my mother and her emotions, hiding my own from her to protect her fragile being. I love both my parents; I accept them as they are. But in the life I want for my present and future, I cannot continue to enable them in their fear. I understand the fear, certainly I lived my life like that for so long, too. But with the fear that comes with facing anger, grief, and all those other darker emotions comes strength....and even better, the room in your heart, your soul, and your spirit for pure, unadulterated happiness.

I understand that my family may disagree with what they view as my OPINIONS (or as my mother has said, "my perspective") on the events of the past. For ME, they are the facts of my life as I lived it. And it matters not if they agree or not. For now, for every moment I can have it, I have peace. And it took so very long for me to find. It slowly crawled into the corners of the airplane as I left my childhood home for Norway at 17. Over that year, it flooded me, filling me with a lightness of being, of my spirit that honestly I had never felt. It was okay, better than okay, to just be me, flaws and all. I went to Davis for college soon after, and the light became a fixture, and I never wanted to turn that light off. His name was, and is, Bob. At first a friend, then my boyfriend, my husband, my partner, the father of our children.....And in his eyes, and the eyes of my sons, I see that light. I finally realized that as much as they give to me, I give to them. I realized that the more I embrace myself and everything that means, the more I have to give. The more I love, the more I see, the more I create, and feel......the more I want from this life.

And at the end of the day.....it's this peace that pulls me through the still dark moments I have. It's the knowledge that every day, every moment is a new beginning for me to create any kind of life I want. Finally.

Grab a Cuppa! This is going to be a long one...

That's right...we have a lot of catching up to do here. I've been working on things the last few weeks that I need to update you all on, so grab a cup of joe (or tea, water, whatever), find a cozy seat, and let's get caught up.

Well...I guess this is obvious...another corner of my hive. I love this color on the walls - during the day it's so cheerful as the light streams in, and at night, it's so calming and soothing. I chose to accent our room in red for two reasons: I like the color combination, and the significance of red in Chinese culture. For those of you who don't know me personally, my DH happens to be Chinese. So in decorating our house, I've found a combination called "Eurasian chic" is what suits us best. It's very simple and non-cluttered, with only the things that we love and have personal meaning for us and our family. So...that means lots of things symbolizing both the Chinese and Scandinavian/Celtic roots of our family. Also, the bed and nighttables were handmade by Bob (in the earlier years before the kiddies).

Moving on...

You might remember me mentioning this dress. Well, I did finish it (with a few adjustments)! The zipper was giving me quite the fright, and after three times of ripping out the seams, I finally just sewed up the back seem and used four hooks-and-eyes to close up the top. I really love it; it's just so dang comfortable, especially with a tank or t-shirt underneath, my black leggings, and black ballet flats. Tres chic, mai oui? It's a McCall's pattern I picked up at Walmart for $2.99, and the fabric is from Joann's. Someday I'll model it for you...

Next!

A little bunny love! I had set out to make the whole bunny for the kiddies, but Will, being curious as only a 3 1/2 yr. old can be, saw this bunny's face and wanted him right away. He's a thrifted and felted bunny face, made with much love from my dear grandmother's sweaters. They have been sitting in my cedar chest for years, and I just couldn't depart with them, even though the were full of holes and such. So...felted they were and now are being turned into what I am calling "Funny Faces". After an overwhelming response from family and friends from the bunnies at Easter, I am now working on pigs, dogs, sheep, and cats. Keep reading...they may be for sale at Etsy soon!

That's right....

As soon as I get feedback from a few good friends on these prototypes, I hope to be up and running at Etsy. You know how inspiration often comes at the strangest times, in the strangest places? I used to plan my best lessons when I was still teaching in the shower in the morning before school. Well, this idea came to me while I was running on the treadmill at the gym! When I work out, I don't glow or glisten; I sweat. And having to stop every minute or so to wipe my brow and push back my sweaty bangs was not so fun. I looked for sweatbands online, but they were all, dare I say, rather masculine. I believe in equality as much as the next person, but I still want to look cute when I work out. I don't need a big Adidas or Nike on my forehead. So, being the problem solver that I am, I came up with the idea of the Wick Band. It's essentially a headband, with cute fabric on the front and an aborbent layer of terry cloth next to your head. It's elastic (covered also in terry cloth) that makes it adjustable for just about any sized head, and the terry cloth makes it more comfortable and absorbs sweat there as well. Make sense?

I'm also working on Wick Wipes (again fabric on one side, terry cloth on the other...a cuter towel alternative for the gym) and a Wick Tote (same idea, but in a tote bag, so the inside doesn't get all wet with your water bottle and clothes after you change). I did some research, and there doesn't seem to be anything like this around, so I hope that others might be interested in these as well. In addition to being useful at the gym, I thought the bands might be great when your gardening, and even for women in labor. Kind of weird, but you know how mussed up you get....the band would keep the sweat off your face and make you presentable for all of those pictures. Andyhow, I'll keep you posted....

I also am working on these in my "spare" time....

The head band theme seems to be stuck in my head. These are more for little girls (of which I have none in my immediate or extended family!) and are essentially braided. Again, I'm still working on the prototype, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Finally (yes, you're almost to the end), I couldn't let a Friday post go by without adding this picture, because it reminds me of the TRUE inspiration in my life. As long as I have the three guys in my life, I am truly blessed. All the rest is just icing on the proverbial cake...so for all of you, a little baby love...

The Hive is Alive...

Finally....a moment to catch up. I didn't mean to be away so long, but between the kiddos being sick (again), me being sick (again), the hubby working night shift, and having to buy a new computer, I haven't been able to get to much blogging. I have been sewing and stashing and embroidering, though, so once I figure out all the new gizmos with the new computer, I'll be putting some pictures up.
It looks like spring is finally here, and I am thankful. Not just for the nice weather outside, but for finally finding a spot of peace amid the chaos of my life in the last year. It certainly has not been easy getting here, and I pretty much have had to cut all ties from my biological family. I think my parents did the best they could with what they had, but now that I am a parent myself and have a family of my own, I really can't have them in my life. I think back to my childhood and wonder....how is it that I thought that was normal? Did I ever really have anything (other than genetics) in common with my parents and my sister? I want a life so different, and my priorities are so different, that I often wonder about these things.
So...I am grateful for spring. Grateful that I am alive (unfortunately, in my darkest hours, there were THOSE moments), grateful to be getting older and wiser, and grateful, that like all things in nature, I have been given a second chance to get it right. I may not have had the greatest of families growing up, but I have the chance to now create the family I never had.
Be back soon (I promise!!)......

A little wisdom from the country....

In one of my many treks to our new library, I came across this. Having grown up in the "country" (at least by California standards), many of the things mentioned seemed like something my grandparents would have said. I've always felt the "country" in my genes: I'm not a city lover, I need to have space around me, and I can't drive in San Francisco. Certainly, as I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate what the "city" has to offer.

But this book spoke to me (anyone else ever had that happen?). Bob has always joked about "living off the fat of the land" (yeah, right, raised-in-Oakland man), but we certainly have done our share of vegetable gardens, etc. I think what made so much sense about the wisdom of this book, what made me run over to the local B&N and buy it, was the simple life it addressed.

There's that saying, "Cluttered house, cluttered mind". For me, it certainly was true. Now that the latter part has been taken care of, I'm working on the first part. To be honest, too much stuff makes me stressed out. It may be futile at this point in my life, but I just like an organized space. I like to have around me the things I truly love and don't see the need for much else. So I've been getting rid of, reusing, thrifting a lot of the stuff around my house ("stuff" is my blog friendly word for it). Maybe part of it is the parents I have: they like their stuff, their stuff is expensive, and they like to accumulate more stuff. I've never really understood that mentality, but growing up I have to say I bought into it, as I didn't know anything else.

So, I have a challenge for you all. This month, as a beginning to what I hope will become a habit, I am really going to try not to buy more "stuff". This isn't just about using what I have; it's also about appreciating a way of life that seems to be disappearing. I used to be able to feel how slow life moved in Visalia when I would visit; now it's become much like everywhere else. I pledge to really slow down, take my time with my WIPs, look at all the things I can DO for MYSELF instead of buying more stuff. I know that others are doing similar things, so I'm hoping that those of you out there will join me. Can you make your own bread? Cleaning supplies? Gifts? Do we really need that extra "whatever"?

Let's find the value in a more simple life, a more grateful life....let's adopt a little "country wisdom"...

All's well in this Hive...

Happiness. For me, it's always been a really elusive thing. Every time something good happened in my life, I'd always wait for the other shoe to drop. And it seemed like Fate was ready and willing to take off that size 8 shoe and drop it into my life. When I was pregnant the very first time, I willed myself not to get as giddy as I wanted to be....and then I miscarried. Even as I had the life I'd always dreamed of-a wonderful husband, two healthy, happy babies, a house of my own....I'd already decided it couldn't last, wouldn't last...so why be happy? I tried to fill the hole inside with food, with keeping busy, joining groups, and buying THAT book, EVERY book that promised an answer. I thought....it's out there...that "perfect" life that will make be happy if I just buy this, wear this, say this, do this....

But that's why depression, especially PPD, is so hard to see in yourself. You, and others in your life, start to make depression a personality trait. It starts to define WHO and WHAT you are; it takes all your energy and creativity and turns it into a very dark and lonely place....And I feel extremely fortunate that I climbed my way out of that dark and lonely place....

So...all is well in my hive. You can see that I've changed the title of this blog....it's a long story as to why my babies are called baby bees, but they are, and so I am the Queen Bee in this hive, being the only female in the house. And I love my hive....

On this Gratitude Friday (an idea I "borrowed" from many lovely other Queen Bees out there)... here's what I'm grateful for:


1. Contentment - The peace that comes with knowing that you are where you belong and where you want to be. At the end of the day knowing that I don't wish for more than this....

2. Strength - The emotional, physical, and intellectual knowledge that I have stared my demons and my past in the face and said you will not be what defines me. I am my own person; I am not the shadows of the past - all the women who came before me who could not face up to this inheritance of depression. I WILL not make it my legacy.

3. Creativity - The joy in knowing that what I make with my hands, my spirit, my heart, and my soul will express the whole of who I am. That expressing myself will benefit those I love and show them how much I care...

4. Flaws - Yes, I am grateful for my flaws. I am grateful I no longer try to please anyone other than myself, that I can laugh at myself, that I am human....and that perfection is not what I search for anymore. Flaws are what give us character; they are what make life interesting.

5. A place to sit and watch the world go by.....
My little "nook" in our bedroom.....it looks out onto the neighborhood, and as I sit here, I can watch the sun set. It's in the stillness of that moment, right before the last rays of light are gone, that I know the darkness to come is only for the outside world.....
And as I watch my angels sleep tonight, I know that I am blessed....

A thoughtful post for you all (gosh, I'm awfully reflective this evening!).....tomorrow should bring pictures of something I've been working on....

Little rays of sunshine... (#4)

No updates on my WIPs yet, but I'm getting there, I promise!

While I was watching the storm roll in today, trolling around the web, I came across this. Kelli's idea is so wonderful, no matter what your faith (or lack of it) or what your own traditions may be for Lent. I encourage everyone to check it out! I will be keeping you posted on my own efforts for CAOK...and, of course, many of you may be recipients of one of my acts of kindness. Those of you who know me know that I don't need an excuse to do this, but this certainly is a worthy cause for those of you who might need an incentive.

Anyhow, for those of you who live near a JoAnn's get yourself over there this week! Almost everything is on sale! I have been celebrating this Year of Gluttony by adding to my fabric stash. I never knew I had it in me to covet fabric. With Valentine's Day patterns at 60% off, who wouldn't? As soon as they are all washed and ironed (in process), I will post my beautiful selections. I went there on the excuse of buying a new needle for my ancient (but well-loved) Kenmore sewing machine, but I couldn't resist. It's like being a kid in a candy store.....